I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
