we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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