ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
there's paper in my vomit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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