i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
