peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
