just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
be right there i have to get my cape
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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