life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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