did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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