i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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