i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
