bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
