I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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