im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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