in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
