I skipped work to stalk him.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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