Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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