When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
