remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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