Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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