He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
