Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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