So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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