so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
