its not stalking. its research.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
