If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
