she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
