I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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