my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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