Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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