broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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