1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
