I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
