The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
