my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
