can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
