sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
