I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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