i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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