Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were trust falling into bushes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
