i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
