i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
