I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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