the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
