I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
