You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
