so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
