What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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