Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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