Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
