to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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